From my blog:
Time to put down the crochet hook and get a little deep:
Of course, the title of this post is supposed to be ironic as it highlights my self-centeredness and hubris. Everybody is living in their own interesting times so my life is no more interesting than anyone else's life. However, compared to previous interesting times in my life, this interesting time is more "interestinger" than at any other time. I am experienceing the simultaneous decline and demise of the two most powereful and influencial men in my life - my father and my husband.
I have known my husband almost as long as my Dad, having been friends since we were 11 years old. Both had tremendous influence on my personality and character. My Dad as the bedrock of security, an excellent provider for his family and a wonderful Dad to me and my sisters considering that in his traditional, Italian family, the daughters were raised by the mothers to serve the men whether they were dad, uncles, cousins or brothers. He still has to pay for dinner, even though his daughters are middle-aged and are perfectly capable of paying for themselves. He struggled with wanting to encourage us to excell academically and professionally while not really knowing how to do that since we were "just girls". Daddy would always fix stuff and take care of me. I sure hope he doesn't read this because he would argue about the demise part.
My husband was always my most trusted and loyal friend, no matter that I didn't "like" him the same way he "liked" me when we were kids. The poor schmuck was the shoulder I cried on whenever I had a romantic breakup. Physically much bigger than my Dad, he is my Security Guard, walking ahead of me and my posse, catering to my every whim and generally being my "yes-man", telling me how great I am all the time.
Friends and family are telling me why this is happening which usually has to do with god's will. I know exactly why this is happening - because it is happening. All the causes from the begininng of time to now, whether from personal choice, other's choices, coincedence, chaos, and/or randomness, have finally culminated in the events that are happening now. I don't have to know what all the causes are, they are in the past, they don't exist anymore, some I can learn from and some have nothing to do with me. I am not saying I believe in fate, I believe in cause and effect - the most wonderful reason for everything that happens - and arguing with that is arguing with reality. Why do I not get pissed off because my dog won't meow like my cat? That would be arguing with reality.
And, the amazing coincidence/consequence in all this is the timing of this double loss. I am experiencing the most confident, creative, assertive period of my life. My kids are older so that's one less worry. Maybe all that life-experience, yoga, meditation, self-help shit has finally come to fruition. And/or, it's just menopause. The timing seems to be perfect, my shit is finally together (yeah, I said the s-word twice in one paragraph), I can do this.
All this doesn't mean I don't need help or crying-shoulders. We need to be in your prayers, thoughts and hearts. I am taking advantage of every resource that is available. Just don't waste your time tell me why this is happening or that it shouldn't be happening. Of course it should be happening - it already is!